What it's like to have Social Anxiety

You get dressed up for a party and feel great about it, have talked yourself into giddy excitement, prepared clever anecdotes, and remain poised and confident all day. Then you get to the party and become afraid that no one likes you, that no one wants to speak with you, and that those seemingly inane whispers are really about how no one wants you at the party.

Yes, I try to talk myself out of such illusions. I, in fact, was heartily invited to a party, was talked to throughout the party, had a drink, and tried to look happy and engaged. But, having social anxiety erases all my logic, all my poise, and all of my confidence. It's like a big furry monster stands in front of me the entire time I'm in public. I can't every get around him (thankfully, he smells like vanilla spice, though), and no one can see around him to look at me.

I am aware that I am not an alien. I am aware that I am accomplished, knowledgeable, classy, pretty (maybe?), and funny as all get out, but when I try to project any of these admirable traits, this furry, vacuum monster keeps it all to himself. Then I get anxious, then I get agitated, then I convince myself that I am so anxious that I'm making everyone else anxious, so I start to berate myself for being anxious, but I don't know how not to be anxious, which makes me even angrier with myself, and the cycle continues.

After a few hours into the ordeal, I've fought with myself and this crazy furry monster so much, that I'm tired and cranky, and I fell more than anything else, guilty.

But now, I'm back in my hovel, wishing that I had performed better (for me, it is a performance). I'm calculating and examining the different, clever things I should have said, the different people I should have talked to, the different person I should have been.

It's not as if I don't like who I am, I do, I just assume no one else likes who I am. I always hold part of myself back. I don't know why. Well, in certain instances I do. Sometimes it's a matter of not wanting to hurt someone else, and sometimes it's classic fear of rejection.

What's really unfair about this whole anxiety thing though, what I really don't get is that as everyone else gets better at socializing, networking, friendships, cocktail parties, victory speeches, I get worse, or, at best stand still. There's no handbook for this, no text or novel to teach me how to move forward, no etiquette book on how to be human. And, since I'm a person who loves learning, that prospect is scary.

I think, for serious, that I need a therapist. I tried the prescription drugs, and that didn't work, I ended up being depressed all the time, and it was scary. I can't do that again. I shouldn't be punished for something I can't control.

Of course, I know that I have friends and family who love me. I know this, but this is not a battle I can fight with comrades, this monster keeps me from talking to you about it, from asking for help. But I know you're there for me when I'm ready :).