I Made an Adult Decision!

When school starts, I'm going to make an appointment with the counseling program on campus. If only to say that I gave it a shot, at least. If that doesn't work out for me, my mom told me that our insurance covers therapist fees for 88 sessions or something. Now I can be all like Hollywood and have a therapist!

Not that that is the point or anything. What I'm looking for is more like a direction in life, or at least a way to find some direction, I guess. This week I am not sad or depressed, and I actually feel pretty content with everything. Josh, Ashley, and Mom are coming over for a visit, and hopefully we will get my car fixed. If not, I may have to buy a new, er, different one. While that is exciting, it is also very scary, and even more adult. Note, that's adult, not Adult-xxx, or something. Ok, I've said enough.

I Think I Have ADD, No, Seriously, I Think I Do

This week especially I have been feeling very listless, and, in all honesty, prone to random bouts of crying. Finding myself overly emotional, and distracted by nothing, I have somehow landed with a bout of "depression" of some sort. I am filled with a daunting sense of desparity, have no motivation to do anything except trying to find a way of feeling not sad.

Usually, in my life, since adolesence at least, I am happy and content. I have goals that I set, I generally meet them or at least take strides in that direction. Recently however, I feel as if I am being chased by a foreboding monster, one that is so large that it is surrounding me and I can see nothing but darkness. Until now I have been able to outrun the beast, keeping him at bay with optimism, forthrightness, and Bible reading. And while I feel that God's love for me and my love for Him have not waned in quite a while, and that I am filled with His grace, but there is little else consuming me than the dark monster.

And, no, it's not that time of the month, and when it is, I usually do not cry.

Dad has ADD, he takes medicine for it. I looked some stuff up, the symptoms seem to allign with my current situation. I was somewhat doubtful of my condition until the following things seem to hit their respective nails on the heads:

• does not follow through
• easily distracted in coversations
• random jokes about life, history, self
• trouble falling alseep and waking up
• finds fault with self when things do not work out as planned
• trouble talking in relationships
• no intimate friendships or relationships
• struggle to stay focused or centered, but has moments of "hyperfocus"
• restless, full of nervous energy
• unable to sit still, without figdeting for long periods of time
• strong sense of underachievement
• procrastinating, has trouble getting motivated
• and here's the kicker: in women, ADD often manifests itself as depression, as women are apt to hid their symptoms and this stifling leads to feelings of desparity.

But it is fitting, coming to this truth (or non-truth, as time will tell) tonight, as I am watching Jeeves & Wosster, a television program based on a series of books by PG Wodehouse. The two actors playing the title roles, are in actual life the best of friends and have been partners in comedy since their days in college. In reading the biographies of these men, I found that before even being asked to play these roles, both of them found Wodehouse's stories as a great comfort to them in their years of battling depression. That little morsel of trivia made me think of myself in that I am most content, in public, when people are laughing at some sort of joke or mannerism of mine. Alone, however, I am anything but a joker and feel quite lonely. Yet this loneliness is self-imposed.

Anyway, thoughts for the evening. Take them with a grain of salt, if you read them.

Things I am Excited About

A few of these won't make any sense.

1. I rearranged my room.
2. I lost my keys, freaked out, found my lost WWJD ring, found my keys.
3. I don't have to work tomorrow.
4. I'm going to visit my family this weekend.
5. On Doctor Who, Jack revealed that he was the Face of Bo (most fantastic reveal yet)!
6. Summer "D" Session starts Monday, and I will have an English class.
7. Jesus loves me (and you)!

Ok, that's it.

What I've Been Thinking About Today

Once upon a time, a boy was born to a woman who had all but given up on life because she couldn't have kids. When this kid was old enough, she sent him into priesthood, saying that she would give this awesome gift back to God. Following his mother's example, Samuel learns all the tricks of the trade, defends his Creator, and calls out people who don't. One time, when Samuel was feeling especially lost, after his spiritual leaders had let him down, he didn't turn to God and say, "Man, your people are kind of shady!" Instead Samuel humbly looks to God for guidance and says, "I'm ready to listen, Lord. Tell me what you want me to do."

That's amazing. All at once Samuel recognized the corruption in the church, dealt with it, and acknowledged that this corruption came not from God, but from man. What an apt lesson in these days of the politically-driven "Religious Right"! But that's no matter, the point, for me at least, is that those who seek God, will hear Him, be lead by Him, and in the midst of struggle when the world doesn't give you the support you think you need, God will be there. Always.